Postcards from Abby Page 11

  “She’s got to do what’s right for her.”

  “I guess.”

  “You know Michael is right about this.”

  “Yes, but it just kills me.”

  “What, that Jaime is not going to college?”

  “No, that Michael is right.”

  They giggle like schoolgirls and when the laughter dies down, Tia looks at Abby and wonders what, if anything, would she change about her life if she could. They always spent so much time talking about Tia and her marriage and the choices she made, whether wrong or right but Abby was always good at avoiding any discussions that centered around her own decisions and choices. Here, with the day ending and the evening beginning, with the summer almost over and Abby’s life on the balance, she wants to know. “What about you?” Tia finally asks.

  “What about me?”

  “Any regrets?”

  “Where are we? In a confessional?” Abby is trying to avoid the question with humor but Tia is undeterred.

  “I am trying to be serious here.”

  “Don’t. You’re killing my buzz.”

  Tia doesn’t let her off the hook that easily. “But I’m curious. You always seem to have it all together and I’m the one constantly having to pick up pieces of something that has fallen apart in my life. Is there anything that you regret?”

  “Plenty of things I regret.”

  Now they are getting somewhere, Tia thinks. Knowing she is heading to shaky ground, she proceeds with caution. “Does one of them have to do with James?” Tia can see Abby’s frozen expression at the mention of his name and she is silent. Will she tell Tia what happened to the love of her life? Before the alcohol wears off and the moment is gone, Tia knows that now is the time to find out. “Do you miss James?” Tia blurts out.

  Abby does not move and her face is unreadable. Tia panics for a minute wondering if Abby is about to yell at her and accuse her of crossing the line, walking off and telling Tia to go back home. She has never seen Abby look this way, so serious and devoid of emotion in her expression. Tia realizes that she’s sorry she asked the question and feels a slight palpitation of fear in her chest.

  It takes her a minute but Abby finally speaks. When she does, her voice is low and serious. “I guess so. Every once in awhile something will remind me of him.” There is sincerity in her voice but Tia can also hear a tinge of sadness.

  Tia chooses her next words carefully, “When do you miss him the most?”

  A few more moments of silence before she speaks again. “It’s usually right before I close my eyes to go to sleep at night. Sometimes, I just think I miss having someone besides me, you know, the warmth of him, the security.”

  Tia knows this is difficult for Abby to do- that she is laying it all out there for Tia to dissect. Caught up in the moment and because the wine has managed to dull her senses too, making her less self conscious, she decides to do her fair share of confessing. “I miss Michael at night too. Usually, I think about him when I’m folding laundry in the basement.”

  Abby tries to stifle a laugh, covering her mouth with her hand, not knowing that Tia wants to retreat back into her shell at the idea of being embarrassed. “I’m sorry but folding laundry reminds you of Michael?” Unable to resist and because the wine has also gotten to Abby, she adds: “Does it have anything to do with being dirty?”

  Tia laughs and shoves Abby with her shoulder, almost tipping her over: “No! Get your mind out of the gutter.”

  “Not my fault. You led me there.”

  Tia continues without hesitation, which surprises her. If it was anyone else, she would have stopped there. But this is Abby and somehow, it feels like the right time to let it all go. “I know it sounds strange.”

  “No, it sounds weird.”

  Ignoring Abby’s sarcastic comment, she goes on to explain, “Michael and I, once we had the twins, we were so busy. It seemed like we never had time to talk to each other anymore. Work and the kids took up most of our day and by the time, we hit the bed, we were sleeping. Mornings were even more hectic with getting Jamie and Javi ready for school, making breakfast, packing lunches…”

  Abby interrupts. “You’re making me tired just talking about it.”

  “You see? So we finally decided we needed to do something about this. It felt like we weren’t in a marriage anymore. Instead, we were roommates with joint custody of the kids! So, every night, we would do the household chores together. And we’d talk. We’d talk while washing and putting the dinner dishes away.”

  “Different.” There is still sarcasm but the tone in Abby’s voice is softer, gentler.

  “Monday and Thursdays were my favorite nights of the week.”

  “Let me guess. Laundry night?”

  Tia nods. “We would go down to the basement and talk as we separated the colors from the whites. We would talk some more through the rinse cycle, while the clothes dried and finally while we folded.”

  “That’s what I call serious foreplay.” Abby’s hand flies in front of her face and Tia knows she is still trying to suppress another laugh.

  “This is precisely why I don’t tell you these things.” Tia moves her hand over to slap Abby in the leg.

  “No, go ahead, this is . . . riveting.” Abby’s face is contorted, trying to be serious but failing miserably at it.

  “OK, so it’s not as exciting as doing it on top of a camel or something but it was our little thing.” Tia doesn’t know why she suddenly feels defensive of this memory.

  “No, go ahead. I’m sorry, I won’t interrupt again. Scouts honor.” Abby raises her two fingers up to form a V.

  “You were never in Girl Scouts, Abby. I was.” Tia looks at Abby with suspicion but relents after Abby puts her two hands together and pretends to beg.

  “Please.”

  Tia shrugs her shoulders and admits, “It was just our time to catch up. We’d laugh, plan the week, talk about the children, look forward to vacations, talk about our friends or news that we happen to read. Sometimes, we just needed to blow off steam about our boss or the stress at work.” Tia looks down, unable to look Abby in the eyes, already feeling the tears welling up inside of her. She speaks softly, barely audible, “I really miss that.”

  Abby says nothing at this and as Tia looks up, she sees that Abby has that far off look, as if remembering something from her own past, her little memory. She takes this opportunity to ask about James again. “What really happened to James?”

  After a small pause, she asks, “You mean, did I kill him?” Tia knows Abby is trying to avoid the question by using humor.

  “If you don’t want to answer, just tell me,” Tia finally says. “I’ll back off.” But she doesn’t want to.

  “No, I didn’t kill him. I thought about it but I didn’t.”

  Tia wishes she could get a straight answer out of Abby. “I’m being serious. Your postcards were always about how wonderful James was and guess what James and I did. James this, James that. Then all of a sudden-nothing. Not a word about him. It’s as if he disappeared from your life.” Abby makes no move to speak, remaining quiet without any facial expression for what, seems to Tia, to be a long time. To break the silence, Tia adds “If it’s too personal, I understand, we don’t have to talk about it.”

  “No, nothing is too personal between you and me. You’ve seen me nurse the toilet bowl. There’s no turning back now.” Abby’s attempt at humor falls flat as Tia looks into her eyes, asking in a gentle voice she usually reserved for her children when something is troubling them, “So what was it? What happened?” Abby takes a deep breath, sighs deeply and begins, “When I met James, he was much older than me. He had been divorced twice and had three grown children. He told me so many times that he didn’t want the family thing. He wanted to live free of that.”

  “No marriage? No kids?”

  Abby nods, “Which was OK with me because I didn’t want that either. We were committed to each other and we didn’t need a piece of paper to tell us differen
tly. I also didn’t want to be tied down with kids and responsibilities. At least, I didn’t think I wanted it until . . .”

  “Until what?” Tia asks anxiously.

  “I found out I was pregnant.”

  “You were pregnant?” She utters in shock

  “Didn’t do it on purpose, it just happened.”

  “So you had a baby?” Tia is still in a fog, unable to process Abby’s revelation.

  “No, I miscarried.”

  And the look in her eyes paints the picture for Tia, “I’m so sorry, Abby. Why didn’t you tell me before?”

  “I couldn’t,” Abby says, her voice soft, barely a whisper. “It was too painful.”

  “Abby, I had no idea.”

  “No one did except for James.”

  Tia suspects that this is the heart of the story. “I’m guessing he wasn’t too happy about being a daddy again.”

  Abby begins to tell her the story that she has kept quiet for too long, “We were living in London at the time. We were together over a year. It’s funny because I can still remember it so clearly as if it happened only yesterday. I can remember not feeling well. I was always tired but I shrugged it off to that time of the month. Then the month turned into two and I started to worry. I went to the doctor and he told me I was six weeks pregnant.”

  “Abby.” is all Tia could say. She is speechless. Abby, however, continues as if Tia isn’t even there.

  “I was so surprised because James had the procedure done after having his own kids, so we thought it was safe.”

  “How did you feel when you found out?”

  “Surprisingly calm. I thought I would be scared, upset or even nervous but I wasn’t.” Abby hesitates. She seems to drift away for a moment before she continues. “I was at peace and happy. I didn’t know how James was going to take it so I waited a week and then one night, over dinner, I simply told him I was pregnant.”

  “How did he react?”

  A long pause. A bird flies overhead and lands on the sand near where they sit. Abby glances at it, watching it as she speaks. “He told me he didn’t want it and asked me to get an abortion.”

  “Oh, Abby.” She can only imagine how Abby reacted to those words, knowing that if Michael had said it to her when she told him about their own little ‘surprise,’ she would have fallen apart at the seams.

  “Tia, I couldn’t do it.,” Abby turns her gaze back to Tia and stares at her. Tia thinks she sees the hint of tears in her eyes but isn’t certain. “I know I always said I didn’t want kids but when I found out I was going to have one, I didn’t want to let it go. James kept insisting I have an abortion and we fought a lot. Then we went from fighting to not talking. A few days later, James stopped coming by. He moved out the following week.”

  “And what about you?”

  “Oh, I didn’t care at that point. All I wanted to do was have this baby and I was determined to raise it on my own. I went to doctor’s appointments alone, went shopping alone, planned everything alone. Then, around the fourteenth week, I woke up with severe cramps and a pool of blood on the sheets. I called a cab and went to the hospital alone. I was alone in the room when the doctor told me that I had lost the baby. And then I cried, all alone.” The word seems to echo between them. Alone.

  Tia reaches over and grabs Abby’s hand, squeezing it tight as a few tears fall from her eyes.

  “I called James and told him what had happened because I thought he should know that he wasn’t going to be a father after all.”

  “How did he take it?”

  “He came rushing to my side. He apologized for what he said. He told me he still hadn’t changed his mind about having children but if it was something that I really wanted, he would try again with me because he loved me that much and couldn’t imagine his life without me in it.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I said good-bye to him.”

  Tia can’t believe what she hears, “Just like that?”

  “Just like that.”

  “Are things always so black and white for you?”

  Abby gives Tia a firm look, one filled with confidence and self-assurance. If Tia thought she had seen tears there a few moments before, there is no sign of such emotion now. “Sometimes things are that simple. I wanted children and he didn’t. I needed someone to support me and he wasn’t there. James wasn’t going to change for me and I didn’t want him to change. So I let go.”

  Tia is amazed at Abby’s view of life. What had taken her over twenty years of marriage, two kids and a lifetime of fighting to realize, she was able to figure out in the course of a few weeks. She wonders if her life would have been different if Abby was around to force her into making those tough decisions it took her normally forever to make.

  “Now time to bear your soul,” Abby says, clearly moving onto a new topic. Tia has no idea to what to expect from Abby. But she doesn’t have to wait long as Abby gets right to the point. “What is going on with you and Jack?”

  “Nothing.” Immediately the word comes out even if she doesn’t believe it herself.

  Abby looks at her with suspicion. “You’re going out with him tomorrow. That is hardly a nothing.”

  Tia shrugs, trying to act nonchalant. “He’s an old friend who is going to show me around town.”

  Abby makes a face that speaks of her disbelief. “An old friend whom you light up for every time he walks into a room.”

  “That is not true.”

  “Tia, you can fool a lot of people but you can’t lie to me. He has something over you.”

  “You may be right but nothing is going to happen.”

  Abby frowns. “Because ‘sensible you’ won’t allow it, huh?”

  How does she do that, Tia wonders. How does she see right through her? “I’m not ready, OK?”

  “It’s been two years since your divorce. When are you going to be ready?” Her remark stings Tia and she remains silent, looking down at the blanket in front of her. Abby reaches for her hand and whispers, “I know it’s not easy but the one thing my dad taught me growing up is that when things don’t work out you have to move on.”

  “I don’t know if I can.” There it is, the ugly truth, Tia thinks.

  “Tia, I am going to die soon but I can honestly say that I have made the best choices that I could have made in my life and there is no looking back. Can you say the same thing if you had only today left to live?”

  Tia knows the answer but can’t say the words. Instead, she turns the tables on Abby. “I think you should tell James that you’re dying.”

  Abby waves her off with her hand. “James was so long ago.”

  “I know but don’t you want closure?”

  “I’ve put it behind me.”

  “I don’t think you have,” Tia replies, looking over at the silver bracelet that hangs loosely around her friend’s right wrist, the same bracelet that was the equivalent of an engagement ring for Abby. Tia knows that if she didn’t have any feelings left for James, she would not be wearing that bracelet now.

  “Just tell him. Leave the rest of it to him.”

  “I wouldn’t even know where to find him.” Abby says but Tia knows its just more excuses for Abby to fall back on.

  “Do you have anything to go on?”

  There is another moment’s hesitation before Abby admits, “I have his last known address. When he left, he sent word where he would be staying just in case I changed my mind.”

  “Give it to me,” Tia demands. “I’ll find him.”

  To Tia’s surprise, Abby agrees and she promises her that she will do her best to reach him before it is too late.

  After walking Abby to her room and helping her get undressed and into bed, Tia is restless. As thoughts of their talk floats in her mind mixed in with the two bottles of wine that has left her drunk, Tia feels the urge to visit her own past, find some resolution to issues that have laid dormant for too long. She knows it’s late and that she will wake him up but she doesn’t
care. She decides that she needs to call Michael. He picks up on the second ring.

  Brave from the alcohol, she doesn’t even bother with the small talk that has become part of their civilized routine. She instead demands, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “What the . . . .Tia, is that you?” His voice is groggy and she can tell that he’s still trying to wrap his mind around who is calling.

  “Why didn’t you fight?”

  She can hear him reaching for something and hears the click of light. “Tia, it’s three o’clock in the morning here. What are you doing?”

  He sounds upset but Tia keeps pressing. “Just answer the question.”

  “I would if I knew what the hell you’re talking about.” She can hear him raise his voice in exasperation.

  “Us, I’m talking about us, Michael! Why didn’t you fight to save us?” She knows she is accusing him.

  “This is why you are calling?” He demands back, irritation in his voice. “At three o’clock in the morning?”

  “Yes, I need to know.”

  “Tia, we have been through this.” She can hear an audible sigh at the other end of the receiver.

  “No, Michael, we haven’t. Yes, we divorced. Yes, we had issues we sort of talked through but it’s taken me one dying friend and thousands of miles to realize we never did go through it.”

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “You see, that’s the problem. I don’t want you to say what you think I want to hear. Just tell me the goddamn truth. Why didn’t you fight for us?” She closes her eyes to stop her head from spinning.

  “Are you drunk?”

  “Yes, I am. I’m drunk and hurt and I want an answer. I deserve an answer!” She feels her throat constrict and she fights the urge to cry.

  Michael’s voice, loud and angry pierces through the telephone receiver, so unexpected that Tia has to pull it away from her ear. “I did! I tried but then you never did meet me half way.” Tia hears another sigh and Michael’s voice softens. “You gave up fighting, Tia, not me. I tried but then I got tired of trying. After awhile, we weren’t worth fighting for anymore.”