Life Regained (An Amish Friendship Series Book 1) Read online

  Now, Ryan was telling her to do something differently? She knew what he was insinuating: the time for self-sacrifice was over. But still, to approach life without William by her side? Was it possible? She wasn’t so certain.

  After all, being a widow at fifty-five was not part of the plan. High-school sweethearts were meant to marry, have a family, and grow old together. The magical fairy tale wasn’t supposed to include an explosion, a caved tunnel, and a broken man who lingered on life support for eight days in a vegetative state before the family finally forced her to make the decision.

  It was the worst decision she had ever been forced to make. And forced was exactly how she felt. After all, Ryan and Sophia spent at least two days rallying William’s family to the cause. No self-respecting man would want to live that way, his family had argued with her.

  By that point, Elizabeth could barely think straight, never mind make a decision. But as the next of kin, it was her signature that the doctors needed on the paper. She had turned to Ryan, hoping that he would tell her what to do.

  “People come out of it,”she argued, knowing that it sounded weak. She looked at Sophia.“Don’t they?”

  Sophia rolled her eyes and turned her back to her mother. She was the most patient person in the world, except for when it came to Elizabeth. Ryan, however, took her by the arm and led her away from the group of uncles, the brothers of his father who had teased him so mercilessly about reading and working so hard to advance ahead of them in the coal mines.

  “Mom,”he began softly, always the one who tried to handle her with kid gloves. So like his father.“Think this through. The doctors said this is it. He won’t be coming out of the coma. You keep him on life support, neither one of you will be living. He wouldn’t have wanted it that way…not for him and not for you.”

  It took another day but the family finally wore her down. Despite not wanting to do so, she finally scribbled her name on the paper and walked out of the room, a crumpled tissue in her hand that she never used. The shock of having made the decision to end life support…to end the life of her William…overweighed her desire to cry. She left the hospital and returned home, leaving the house only to attend the wake and the funeral, before she retreated to the comfort of her privacy, refusing to step outside again for weeks on end.

  Her family and church friends brought food, enough food that she didn’t need to shop for the first two months. Her pastor stopped by weekly for the first few weeks, checking on her and spending as much time as he could. However, as spring ebbed into summer, the visits became shorter and shorter until they eventually stopped.

  She never complained. She knew that he had other families in need of spiritual guidance within the parish. As for the wives of her husband’s colleagues, they began to move on with their own lives, enjoying the summer months with their children home from school and weekends camping in the mountains. Who wanted a reminder of the dangers of the mines? The dangers of the life that each of them had chosen to embrace by way of living?

  Ryan and Sophia took turns visiting their mother. Each visit lasted approximately three hours and included a quick cleaning of the small house where she had raised the children and loved her husband. Three small bedrooms, one kitchenette, one full bath, and a sitting room didn’t take much time to clean, after all. And always they came with food: pasta, fruits, vegetables, milk, bread, and eggs. That was the extent of her diet and she knew that she lost more weight than she cared to admit.

  “Why don’t you get away for a little bit?”

  Elizabeth stared at him, wondering if he was serious.“Get away? And go where?”

  He nodded.“Maybe go to Ohio for a while,”Ryan finally said. He seemed nervous, his eyes looking anywhere but at her. He was also fiddling with his cell phone, passing it from one hand to another.“You’ve always loved it there.”

  Ohio? Elizabeth frowned and stared at him.“I could never go back to Ohio again!”

  He waved his hand at her, dismissing her complaint as if swatting at a mosquito.“I don’t mean the cabin, Mom. But some place new. A fresh start, but in a place that gives you comfort.”

  “I’m comfortable here,”she countered.

  But she didn’t have to look around to know what he meant. From every nook and cranny was a reminder of William: their faded black and white wedding photo, framed paintings from the children in elementary school, a portrait of Sophia at her wedding, a collage of Ryan and his family. Even her china cabinet, despite being stark in items, reminded her of William: the four table settings they received for the wedding and used only during the holidays, the tiny porcelain bluebird figurine he had given her for a birthday, pretty candlesticks that she had never used for fear of wax ruining them. She might be comfortable in her surroundings but it gave her no comfort to be there.

  “You’re wasting away here, Mom,”he shot back.“And my children need their grandma.”

  “Their grandmother needs her husband,”she argued back, knowing that she sounded childish.

  “It’s been long enough. It’s time,”Ryan replied, softening his voice.“You have enough money from the settlement to spend some time among friends in Ohio. They can help you heal.”

  “I always went with your father, Ryan,”she sighed, rubbing her eyes.“Your father was my best friend. That’s who I spent my time with.”

  He chewed on his lower lip as if contemplating what to say next.“Go stay with those Amish people that you love so much.”

  Those Amish people?

  “What on earth are you talking about?”She almost laughed.

  He waved his hand.“I don’t know. You always come home after your trips to the cabin talking about going back to the Amish country in the summer.”

  “I was interested in the Amish culture and religion, Ryan,”she tried to explain.“I know very little about them and I certainly do not know any of‘them Amish people,’as you call them.”

  “Then go meet them!”

  Elizabeth shut her eyes. If only it were that easy, she thought. Yes, she always wanted to learn more about the Amish community. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as if she knew any particular family that would take her in. How could she explain this to Ryan? After all, she had been going there for years but the time spent there had been spent quietly observing from the outside looking in, rather than befriending any of the Amish.

  For the past few years, she had spent her time with William, shopping at antique stores even though they couldn’t afford to buy anything and eating at quaint little country restaurants. At night, he would start a fire in the wood burning stove, something she had never quite been able to master. They would sit on the sofa, William reading a book while Elizabeth cross-stitched handkerchiefs or linens. On Sundays, they would attend the local church before packing up their car and heading back to West Virginia. The vacations had focused on relaxation and quiet exploration, not on socializing.

  Still, with the leaves changing on the trees and the air becoming crisp again, there was something appealing about Ryan’s suggestion. Them Amish people. His words reverberated in her head.

  There was nothing holding her here, she realized. Sophia lived too far away for spontaneous visits and, when they did visit, her attention span was too small for in-depth conversation. As for Ryan, he worked at the bank and his wife, Annie, had her hands full teaching at the local preschool.

  If nothing else, a trip to Ohio would get her away from here, away from the questions and the concerns, the visits and the loneliness. For once, she had the ability to make a decision by and for herself, one that didn’t require approval of a partner or the coordination of schedules.

  “Maybe I will do that,”she heard herself say and, when she saw the look of relief that washed over Ryan’s face, she realized that by taking such a trip she would lessen the burden that her children carried. Clearly her grief and mourning had created a strain on their lives, a strain that she had not recognized before this very moment. And she knew that a trip to anywhere was e
xactly what she needed to undertake…if not for herself then at least for her children.

  CHAPTER 2

  Early Monday morning, she awoke to the alarm buzzing. She didn’t remember having turned it on before she went to bed the previous night. She hadn’t used the alarm since William had died. After all, it wasn’t as though she had somewhere specific to go or something particular to do. In the past, she’d arise early to get the coffee machine ready and pack the lunches for her family to take to school and work. Later, she only packed William’s lunch. Then, she’d make a big breakfast with French toast or scrambled eggs. On special occasions, such as a birthday or their anniversary, she’d make sticky buns. By the time that the rest of the family awoke, the kitchen smelled like home; the home she had always imagined in her mind.

  Rolling over, she tried to close her eyes, but realized she couldn’t fall back to sleep. Instead, she looked at the empty space beside her, trying to imagine William sleeping there. How many months had it been? Six? Seven? She finally shut her eyes and sank back into her pillow. When the accident had happened, she didn’t know how she would survive one single day, never mind a few months of days strung together. Despite her insistence that it never would happen, she did find out that it became a little easier with time. Each morning seemed a little less painful, each memory a little more frayed or faded. Still, she couldn’t help but rub her hand across his side of the bed before she sighed and forced herself to get up. She grabbed her robe from the chair beside the bed and, with a quick stretch and peek outside the window to check on the weather, she began to make her way downstairs.

  Descending the narrow staircase, Elizabeth stopped at the front door to pick up the morning paper. The paperboy always left it right on her doormat, neatly folded or, if it was raining, in a little clear plastic sleeve. She made a mental note that she had to suspend her newspaper service if she was actually going to leave town for a few weeks.

  After starting her coffee, she sat down at the small kitchen table, flipping through the paper as she tried to read it. She was unable to do so. Her mind was too preoccupied with other things to focus on the daily headlines. What news was there, really? An upcoming autumn festival in Durbin. A bake sale at the elementary school. Another loss for the high school football team.

  Shoving the paper away from her, she rested her head in her hands. How could she have let Ryan bully her into considering a trip to Ohio? Abandonment, she told herself. You are abandoning William and the children. Oh, she knew that wasn’t true, but it was how she felt.

  Until death do us part. The very words they had repeated at their wedding ceremony so many years ago. Now that death had fulfilled that promise, she simply didn’t know what to do. She did not want to break her end of the bargain. She didn’t want to part with William, didn’t want to leave the memories behind. And she most certainly did not want to say good-bye to her children. Of course, Sophia was too busy with her job in Morgantown. She lived too far away for unexpected, unplanned visits. Instead, she made obligatory monthly visits to Nottingham for a weekend dinner and weekly calls to Elizabeth’s cell phone for catch-up conversations.

  Ryan, however, lived in town. It had been a source of great pride for both William and Elizabeth that their son had not followed in the footsteps of generations of Fieldings. He managed to go to a small college, get his two-year degree in Finance, and worked at a bank. The pay wasn’t great but he had broken the deadly cycle among the Fielding men. Mine accidents were a common fear among the Fielding wives. William’s uncle and cousin had both been injured in accidents in years prior. There was even genealogical gossip that a great-great-uncle had disappeared in the mines, never to emerge again. William had scoffed at that old story, but the truth was that his siblings and cousins all swore by it.

  Folding the newspaper, she set it to the side. There was nothing of great importance in the news, not today anyway. She started to get up, walking toward the counter to pour herself a cup of coffee when she heard a knock at the back door. Since Ryan had visited the previous Saturday and was certainly working today, she had no idea who might have come calling. Curious, she set down the empty mug and made her way to the door.

  “Elizabeth!”A young man stood on the other side, a big smile on his face as he held up a brown bag with his one hand.“Thought I’d stop by and share some muffins with you.”

  “Reverend White!”She opened the door and stepped aside to let him in.“What on earth…?”It was a good thirty-minute drive from Greenbank to Nottingham. It wasn’t like him to make unannounced house calls, although he had stopped down twice after William’s death.“I’m near stunned!”

  He laughed and shook off his simple black coat. He was a young minister, having taken over their church only two years prior. But his enthusiasm and positive attitude had attracted more of the younger members, their return to worship helping the congregation grow. But he always had time for the older worshippers, too. Unlike other young ministers that Elizabeth had met over the years, Reverend White never acted condescending to any of the parishioners. Especially the older ones whom he treated with upmost respect. That, alone, had made him wildly popular with the parish.

  Setting his coat on the back of a chair, he didn’t wait for an invitation to sit down.“Well, I hope it’s a happy stunned.”

  “Indeed!”

  He smiled, his hands folded neatly before him on the table.“Haven’t seen you in a church for a while. We missed you over the past few months. And your wonderful pies. I can assure you that many members have missed those, too.”

  “I haven’t been baking much recently, I fear.”She busied herself pouring two mugs of coffee, realizing that this was more than a social visit. Certainly, it wasn’t about the pies, although she always brought baked goods to church for the fellowship hour afterward. No, she immediately realized that this was a soul-saving mission, instead.

  “Well,”he said.“I’m sure not feeling up to baking pies isn’t what’s keeping you from worship.”

  She smiled but her eyes remained sorrowful.

  Reverend White took a deep breath and finally asked the question that she knew was at the heart of why he was there.“So what’s keeping you away, Elizabeth?”

  She wished she had a reason to share with him. For a moment, she tried to think of something…anything…that might make sense. Anything, she thought, except the truth.

  She couldn’t.

  “I…I really don’t have an excuse, Reverend,”she said, knowing that honesty was always the best policy. She set the mugs down on the table before she turned to get some milk out of the refrigerator, thankful that Ryan had brought her groceries just two short days ago.“I’ve been…”

  “Busy?”He took the milk that she offered as he completed her sentence.

  “Well,”she started, glancing at him from behind the door of the refrigerator.“Not really,”she admitted as she closed the refrigerator’s door. Returning to the table, she sat opposite him and turned her mug around so that the handle faced the proper way.“Perhaps the opposite of busy, whatever that might be.”

  “Opposite of busy,”he repeated, the words sounding wooden as he said them. The way he looked at her made her feel as if she were a child, talking to the school principal, not a grown woman almost twenty years older than the pastor.“That doesn’t sound very good, Elizabeth. It’s called procrastination. Maybe this is something we should be talking about?”

  She shrugged her shoulders, ashamed to meet his eyes.“I just feel the need to be alone right now.”

  “I see.”He said no more, but did not move, waiting for her to continue.

  Elizabeth stared at the floor. There was a crack in the linoleum. Years ago, William had promised to replace it. Now, she wondered if she’d ever see that happen.“I’m sorry,”she whispered.“That must sound unkind.”

  “No, no!”He tried to reassure her.“Believe me when I say that I understand completely. When my mother died two years ago, I wanted time to myself. I needed tim
e to myself. In the end, it helped me to clear my head and properly grieve the passing of a wonderful woman who did so much for me throughout my life. I simply couldn’t let that go without a time devoted to proper reflection and mourning.”

  Elizabeth nodded her head but remained silent. Wasn’t that what she had been doing for the past few months? Reflecting and mourning? Why wasn’t it getting any easier?

  Then, with a deep intent of breath, the reverend cleared his throat and said,“I spoke with Ryan after service yesterday.”His admission, spoken in a soft voice without any judgment, caused her to look up.

  Ah, she thought. So this is why he stopped by No one unexpectedly visited with her. Not anymore. So Ryan approached the reverend, most likely asking him to check on her. She felt a wave of resentment, a new emotion for her. Here she was, a grown woman, being checked upon like a child…and at the urging of her own son!

  She chewed on her lower lip for a moment, trying to form the words in her head so that they wouldn’t come out sounding ungrateful.“Reverend,”she began.“My entire life has been changed…in just one day. Only, unlike other bad days, I can’t go to bed and wake up knowing that the morning will bring a new dawn.”

  “I understand grief…”

  She shook her head.“That’s not it. And I think you know it.”

  “Then what is it?”

  How could she explain this to him? He was a man of God, a man who studied God’s Word, preached God’s Word, and helped others understand God’s Word. It wasn’t that she was questioning faith. No, that wasn’t what this was about. But she was, however, trying to deal with the guilt that it wasn’t William who should have died first. That was something that had been reserved for her. The only problem was that William had given up everything to ensure that did not happen.